YOUR IMMEDIATE RESPONSE IS NEEDED

From: [email protected]
Capt.Kelvin Robert
Iraq Military Base,
BAGHDAD

Good day,

I am so much delighted to inform you of my business proposal which will be of immense benefit for both of us.

I can’t wait. Lets hear it.

Well i must tell you that i really appreciate your immediate response, i have been keeping this to myself alone but i want to let you know of my business proposal through this medium which both of us are going to experience a miracle after the successful completion of this transaction accordingly.

Get to the point asshole dear friend, I’m dying in anticipation. What is it this time? Yet another dead uncle -poor sod, killed in a plane crash in Africa no doubt- who turned out to be loaded?

I am a captain with the United Nations troop in Iraq, on war against terrorism.

Really? That’s odd. I know there is, or was, a United Nations Assistance Mission in Iraq, but that does humanitarian work and doesn’t hunt down creeps with AK’s and IED’s. Yours must be a very, very special outfit then.

Based on the United States legislative and executive decision for withdrawing troops in Iraq, Our mission is to help beef up terrorist targeted states, mostly the Asian continent and the European Union on war against terrorism.

Alright, now gimme the money. Heh, heh, heh, just kidding.

On the other hand I want to inform you that I have in my possession the sum of (16.2 million US.D) Which I got from crude oil deal here in Iraq. I deposited this money with a Red Cross agent informing him that we are making contact for the real owner of the money. And it is under my power to approve whoever that comes forth for this consignment.

No wonder things are still such a mess over there if those who are supposed to wage war on terrorists are doing oil deals instead. It seems the Red Cross isn’t what it used to be as well.

I am a uniformed person and I cannot be parading such an amount, so I need to present someone from your country to stand as the recipient.

Taking your uniform off wasn’t an option? Nevmind. I fully understand why you want a Dutchie. Such nice, decent and trustworthy folks. A bit weird though. Did you know they have mayonnaise with their French fries?

I am an American intelligent officer and for that, I have 100% authentic means of transferring the money through diplomatic courier service. I just need your acceptance and all will be done.

I’m so glad I’m dealing with an intelligent officer and not some dumb grunt who ended up doing Intelligence shit. But then, you must be pretty smart to operate as a spook within a UN unit. Anyway, yes I’ll gladly take your bucks. Or, as they say in Nigeria I’ll go chop yo’ dollah.

Where we are now we can only communicate through our military communication facilities which is secured so nobody can monitor our emails, then I can explain in details to you, I only reach you through email, because our calls might be monitored but have to be sure whom I am dealing with.

Yeah, can’t have big brother watching us.

I am out of our military network am writing from a fresh email account so if you are not interested do not reply to this email and please delete this message, if there is no response after 3days I will then search for someone else.

Nope, I’ll do it. I’m your man, the real deal, Mr Cando Whateverittakesandthensomeandshit himself. They also have it with mixed peanut&mayo goo too. Call it whore fries or something. Yeach.

I wait for your contact details so we can go on. I will give to you 30% of the sum and 70% is for me. I hope I am been fair on this deal, get back to me with your full information:

I am been fair? Jeezzus fuckin’ Christ Almighty, where do intelligent officers learn to write these days?

YOUR FULL NAME: I’ll be Kim Philby. Like the sound of that. Has a nice twinge. Okay with you?
YOUR FULL ADDRESS: Pavlovitsj Beria plein 3, Amsterdam
YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBER: Sorry captain, not on our first date. I’m sure you -being an officer, and an intelligent one at that- are a gentleman so perhaps next time. You know, some really soak it in that peanut&mayo gunge. In which they dip frikadellen as well. The horror. Ever had that, frikadellen?