Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. Some say he’s wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat. Some say he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue. Some say he is illegal in 17 US states, and he blinks horizontally. Some say that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he’s scared of bells. Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all his legs are hydraulic. Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals. Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he’s confused by stairs. Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees.
Some say that he’s terrified of ducks, and that there’s an airport in Russia named after him. Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin’s, and that wherever you are in the world if you tune your radio to 88.4 you can actually hear his thoughts. Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark. Some say he has a digital face. Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered he could crack the Da Vinci code in 43 seconds. Some say that on really warm days he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason he’s allergic to the Dutch…
Some say that his first name really is The, and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island they’d all be pregnant including the cameramen. Some say that he is a CIA experiment that went wrong, and that he only eats cheese. Some say that if you lick his chest it tastes exactly the same as Piccalilli, and that at this week’s Brit awards he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand. Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears’ head. Some say he isn’t machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve. Some say his scrotum has its own small gravity field…
Some say…
Some say to unlock him you have to run your finger down his face. Some say if he were getting divorced from Paul McCartney he’d keep his stupid whining mouth shut. Some say he thought Star Wars was a documentry. Some say he knows two facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong. Some say 61 years ago he accidently introduced Her Majesty, the Queen, to a Greek racialist. Some say when he slows down, brake lights come on in his buttocks. Some say he once did some time in a prison in Canterbury because his teddy is called “The Baby Jesus”…
Some say that after making love, he bites the head of his partner, and that he’s had to give up binge-drinking now that it ‘s got to £1.18 a litre. And that he thinks the credit crunch is some kind of breakfast cereal. Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full-size tattoo of his face – on his face. Some say it’s impossible for him to wear socks. And he can open a beer bottle with his testes. Some say that he sleeps inside out, and that he once had full sex with Russell Brand’s answering machine…
Some say…
Some say his favourite ever song is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward, and that he has the world’s largest collection of pornographical material. Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool, and he is, he is actually. Some say, he has a stripy top, just like mine. Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I’m a Celebrity because people have heard of him. Some say he invented the curtain, and that he recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel for his moat…
Some say, that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous. And that recently pigs in Mexico started to die of something called “Stigflu”. Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon. Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances includes the great smell of Wednesday. And that he was turned down for the job of EU President, because his face is just too recognisable. Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car contains fourteen different types of custard. And that while he has been known to leave his house in a bit of a hurry, he’s never once hit a fire hydrant…
Some say he is writing his own biography. And that it’s getting him fired. All we know is, he’s called The Stig Ben Collins.
Met dank aan MotorTorque.com voor het op een rijtje zetten van dertien seizoenen Stigisms.
